I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize