i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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