a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
