Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
sex in a hospital.. check
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
