I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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