Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I have peed in a lot of sinks
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
