Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
