i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
they're like a gay fantastic four
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Randomize
