i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
