I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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