1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
