im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
