I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
