i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
