sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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