Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
this will be a night to untag.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
