***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
