So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
