I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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