Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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