WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
