Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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