i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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