You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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