i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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