I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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