Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
