Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
