you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
