Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
