I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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