It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
