Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
