Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
