i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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