I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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