My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Randomize
