if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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