If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
