He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
