i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My first STD was from a foam party
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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