They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You can't just leave with hair like that
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
