anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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