wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
