I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
