Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
