So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she smelled like a LAN party
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
