I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
