I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
