I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
