so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
