connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
