My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
