Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
