I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize