I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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